Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

So a young guy is walking through the park and sees an old man, like mid-eighties, sitting on a bench, head in hands, sobbing. He feels bad for the guy, so he goes over and asks if everything is ok.

The old man says, "No, I'm not. I married a woman half my age, and she's insatiable! As soon as I get up in the morning we have sex, every night after dinner she gives me some "dessert," and most days she comes home at lunch wanting a quickie before returning to work."

The young guy, who thinks this sounds amazing, then says, "I don't get it. Sounds like you got a pretty sweet deal right there. Why are you crying?"

The old man looks up at him, and through his tears says, "I can't remember where I live."

 

Siri kept calling me Shirley all day yesterday. I couldn't figure out what the eff was going on and it was starting to piss me off. Then I realized......



I had left my phone in Airplane mode.

 

But were you serious?

 

Old joke from 1995 in the leadup to the O.J. trial when they were trying to assemble an "impartial" jury. As told by Paul Harvey in his morning news segment:

Knock Knock

Who's There?

O.J.

O.J. Who?

You're ... on the jury.

 

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone, and as he listens to the call, he starts grinning from ear to ear. Then, when he disconnects, he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.

The barman starts serving the drinks, and the people start to crowd around, keen to know what they are celebrating.

"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds".

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman says, "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers: "17 pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Queensland father takes a long, s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar, and proudly says, "We had him circumcised!"

 

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?


The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do!

 

You need to get banned.

 

Yabba dabba doit.

 

I don't get it.

 

Read it out loud...

 

I met a girl who runs a BatteriesPlus kiosk next to a park.

Basically, she sell C cells by the seesaw.

 

That's not even a dad joke. You need fixin'.

 

Yeah, you're just saying that because it wasn't apparent,

 

Yesterday, scientists in the United States reported that beer contains trace amounts of estrogen.

To prove their theory, they gave 100 men twelve beers each and 100% of the test subjects started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

 

Cop: "Turn around"

Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming 'round"

Cop: "TURN AROUND"

Me: "Every now and then I get..."

Cop: deploys Taser

 

Sofia Vergara...

 

I sometimes struggle with knowing when comedy is going to lighten the mood and when it's just the wrong time and place. Example:
Former co-worker was walking by me outside our shop years ago.
Him: How's it going?
Me: Good. How about you?
Him: Man, it's been tough. I just can't get it outta my head. Every time I'm "boinking" my wife I see his face man. The damn neighbors face who she cheated on me with...its tough!
Me: I know what you mean man.
Him: You do?
Me: Yeah man. Every time I'm boinking your wife I see his face too.

 

I just realized that cottage cheese isn't really cheese at all.

It just a curd to me.