Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

That kit actually sounded better than anything they recorded before the Black Album. Some fans didn't like it because it wasn't muffled or gated, but when you've listened to industrial, punk and hardcore before, it's totally acceptable.

 

Claude the hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back....

 

Eating a donut in a Tesla....

....and GO!!!!

 

This Biker, walked into a biker bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at the Biker and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
The Biker says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." The Biker placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to the Biker saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
The Biker replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
The biker took the money.

 

What do you have when a hooker is flanked by a couple of nuns?

A wide receiver and two tight ends.

 

So this Harley rider goes into a bar in New Orleans. Sits down and orders a virgin margarita. A heavily tattooed bartender with bulging biceps and a thick horseshoe mustache gives him a disapproving look. "We don't serve that pansy-assed stuff around here. Whiskey or GTFO."

"Look," said the biker apologetically, "I'd love to drink whiskey, honestly. But it gives me gas real bad and I ... well, when I pass whiskey farts it'll empty the whole room."

The bartender softens up a bit. "Ok pal, I understand. What you need is absynth. It's not as cheap but you get a killer buzz and if you have to let one rip nobody will smell anything."

Tenuously the biker agreed and downed a shot of absynth. "Hey, that's pretty damn good, I'll have another." Within minutes he was buzzing around and loosening up when he felt that all-too-familiar pressure building up. He had to get some relief but tried to stifle it as much as he could. When it happened he could have sworn it sounded like "CBR!" instead of the usual sound. But ... it didn't smell at all.

Nobody heard anything either so he began to think maybe it was just his imagination. Next time he needed to pass one he relaxed a little more. He could have sworn it sounded like the word "Fireblade!" emanated from his buttological regions.

The bartender obviously heard it and looked his way but quickly turned back to serving another customer.

A few minutes later, same thing only different. He let one go and distinctly heard "Gold Wing!"

The bartender wandered back over with a knowing grin. "I forgot to mention... Absynth makes the fart go Honda."

You heard it here first. I just made that one up yesterday.

 

Joker....

 

What's blue and not heavy ?











Light blue.

 

Whaddya call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

 

Say donuts again, motherfucker. I dare ya. I double fucking dare ya!

 

When I was in college I went to a party at the archeology department where they were searching for a lower leg.

It was quite the shindig.

 

A man encounters a genie...

The genie tells him: "Alright, you get 2 wishes."

To which the man replies, "I thought it was 3 wishes?"

The genie responds: "Check your pants, I've been doing this a long time."

 

Was there a Dave K sized pianist in there?

 

My wife texted me this morning and said, "Your great". I replied, "No, you're great". She's been in a great mood ever since.







I should correct her grammar more often.