Okay time to liven things up a bit with some jokes!

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."
 
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women

differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars

thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head

and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week , my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,

"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads

to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman

enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just

love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend

time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,

big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she

tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just

buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,

"Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a

pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I

was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a

tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the

excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think

this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I

don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a

baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a

while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man

enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,

I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for

the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least

that bitch knows I'm smarter than her
 
Steezlo said:
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I

don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a

baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a

while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man

enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,

I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for

the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least

that bitch knows I'm smarter than her
Click to expand...

That shit was cruel mean and funny as hell.
 
Most my arguements with my wife usually end with "Don't Say, I know what you are thinking!" SO I have a wife that can read minds.... The other day I did some stupid shit and get hurt (just some cuts and bruise), she starts yelling at me, "What the frack were you thinking??!??!"

I give up.
 
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
 
Things people actually said in court, word for word:

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?


Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
 
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.

"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.

When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!

"How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.

Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"
 
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
 
weber#465 said:
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.

"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.

When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!

"How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.

Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"
Click to expand...

:crackup: :crackup: :beer: :up:

(diet)DrThunder said:
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Click to expand...


:crackup: :crackup: :beer: :up:
 
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